Big Dick Energy isn't about anatomy. It's the calm self-assurance that walks into a room without performing, picks the unfussy wine, and texts back when it texts back. XLDating's BDE Confidence Dating category collects the people who actually carry that energy - across every gender, body and orientation - and matches them with admirers who recognise it on sight.
★ Oxford Word of the Year · Verified members · Body-positive by design
The bigone dating category for self-secure singles
Eight years after the phrase broke containment on Twitter, Big Dick Energy is no longer slang - it's vocabulary. Oxford Dictionary named it word of the year. Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Vogue and Inverse have run feature explainers. And the cultural definition has settled into something workable for a dating platform.
BDE is quiet, unshakable confidence rooted in self-security. It isn't loud. It isn't competitive. It doesn't post about itself. The bouncer at the small bar who never raises his voice has BDE. The doctor who answers your panicked question with three calm sentences has BDE. The friend who picks the restaurant and orders for the table without asking has BDE. The person who texts back two days later with no apology and no explanation - and somehow that's fine - definitely has BDE.
A quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it. It is not cockiness, it is not a power trip - it is the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself.
Yasmin Tayag ·Inverse · Original BDE Explainer ·2018
Tayag wrote that definition for Inverse in the summer of 2018, days after the phrase first surfaced on Twitter. The framing has aged remarkably well. The anatomical reference in her line is - and this is the entire joke - the part everyone agrees doesn't actually matter. The metaphor swallowed the literal meaning whole. By 2019 the Oxford Dictionary acknowledged that BDE described an attitude, and that attitude is what XLDating's BDE Confidence Dating category is organised around.
Here's the thing that confuses first-time visitors to XLDating: a category called "BDE Confidence Dating" sitting alongside Endowed Men Dating and Size Queen Dating sounds like it should be about size. It isn't. BDE Confidence Dating is the category for the person who carries themselves like they have nothing to prove - and welcomes admirers who find that energy magnetic, regardless of what's actually in anyone's pants.
That distinction is deliberate. The other two Big One categories handle the literal physical conversation honestly and upfront. BDE Confidence Dating handles the cultural and emotional conversation: the people who exude self-assurance, and the people who recognise it as the single most attractive trait a partner can bring to the table. Some BDE members are well-endowed. Some are not. Some are women. Some are non-binary. Some are 5'4". A non-trivial number are over 50. The common thread is the posture, not the measurement.
What does this mean in practice? The opposite of all of the above is, per the consensus that emerged on Twitter and codified in dating columns ever since, Little Dick Energy. Bragging about size is automatic LDE. So is humblebragging about achievements, posting the most expensive impractical sports car, or routing every conversation back to the gym. BDE is the absence of all that effort. It's why the trait reads as restful - there's no performance to keep up with.
The clearest way to teach BDE is by example. Below are the canonical references the culture has settled on - useful shorthand for the energy XLDating's BDE Confidence Dating category attracts.
The 2018 Twitter post that coined BDE described Pete Davidson - 6'3", dark circles, dating Ariana Grande and visibly unbothered. His subsequent dating history (Kim Kardashian, Kate Beckinsale, Emily Ratajkowski) became the case study for the "punching above your visible weight" theory of BDE.
Read the BDE origin storyTwo men, different decades, identical energy. Both are routinely cited as BDE archetypes for the same reason: they are warm without being showy, capable without being smug, and impossibly at home in their own skin. The internet has been collectively studying their interview footage for half a decade now.
Why women rate this energyThe cultural moment BDE stopped being about men was when Rihanna was added to every list. Pregnant on stage at the Super Bowl, half-time show, zero apology. That is the textbook reframe: BDE is gender-agnostic. Latto literally named a song "Big Energy" around the same energy. XLDating built a category around it.
See Size Queen DatingJeff Goldblum, Rihanna, Stanley Tucci, Idris Elba, Pete Davidson, Lizzo, Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reeves - the list the culture has settled on shares one trait: none of them ever asked to be on it.
BDE Dating works on XLDating for a structural reason: the platform removes the performances that mainstream apps reward. On Tinder and Hinge, the algorithm surfaces aggressive bios, gym selfies and high-effort photo retouches because those drive swipes. The mating dance becomes a high-effort signal contest, which is the literal opposite of BDE.
The result is a member base that self-selects for the trait the brand is built around. Confident people prefer environments that don't reward performance. XLDating's BDE Confidence Dating category gives them one.
If BDE is the absence of effort, how do you signal it on a profile that requires effort to build? The answer is the same answer good editors give writers: cut, cut, cut. Three steps below take ten minutes and lift reply rate measurably.
Replace "love travel, music, and good food" with one specific, observable thing about your life. "Tuesday is pasta night" works. "Live music, three times a month" works. Specificity reads as confidence because vague language is what people hide behind.
Your headline photo should show you mid-something - making coffee, walking the dog, holding a paperback, reading at the bar. Action photos outperform posed shots by ~38% on XLDating because action implies a life, and a life is the most attractive accessory a profile can wear.
Bios that end with "ask me about X" outperform bios that end with "don't message if Y" by a wide margin. The first invites a conversation. The second filters by negation, which reads as anxious. BDE never filters by negation.
Quiet confidence requires a safe room to be quiet in. XLDating's female-friendly safety toolset removes the noise that makes confident women retreat into walls on mainstream apps.
Every image sent in chat arrives blurred by default. Recipients tap to reveal. The unsolicited explicit photo - the single most-reported reason women stop replying on mainstream apps - is structurally impossible here.
Read 2026 safety tipsFemale members can browse and message with face partially obscured, full name hidden, and location fuzzed to nearest city. Identity reveals only when she chooses. Built specifically for women who carry BDE and want to control their own exposure curve.
See size-preferring admirersEvery message has a block button. Reports route to a human review team with a 4-hour SLA. Repeat offenders are removed permanently and biometrically blocked from re-registering. The platform takes the labour of safety off your shoulders.
Read full safety FAQI came off Hinge exhausted by the performance of it. XLDating felt different inside a week - people I matched with replied like adults, said what they meant, and let conversations breathe. That is BDE in product form.
Jessica Hart
38 · United Kingdom
Verified Member
I am 5 foot 4 and twelve stone and the most confident person I know. On Tinder that does not translate. On XLDating it absolutely does. My matches actually find quiet confidence attractive - which sounds obvious until you try the alternative.
Chloe Reynolds
25 · United States
Verified Member
My favourite review from a date last month was "you are remarkably calm." That is the energy this app filters for. Other platforms reward the loudest profile. Big One Dating rewards the steadiest one.
Marcus T.
38 · United States
Verified Member
BDE Confidence Dating is one of three Big One Categories on XLDating. The category boundaries are not walls - most members appear in more than one.
If you want the full overview of why this niche exists, the XLDating homepage walks through the product. If you want the cultural history, our BDE origin guide traces the phrase from Twitter 2018 to Oxford 2019 to mainstream dating culture today.
The 6-6-6 rule is a trending TikTok dating heuristic suggesting healthy couples should spend six hours of quality time per week one-on-one, take a six-day trip together every six months, and reserve six minutes daily for undistracted check-in conversation. It is not science - it is a vibe-rule - but it captures something real about presence, novelty and small-d daily attention. BDE-aligned dating tends to satisfy it almost by accident, because confident partners do not need elaborate schedules to feel close.
The 7-7-7 rule recommends a date night every 7 days, a full day out together every 7 weeks, and a weekend away every 7 months - a TikTok variant of the 6-6-6 idea aimed at established couples. It works for relationships that have moved past the matching phase. On XLDating we focus more on the first 30 days because that is where niche platforms massively outperform mainstream ones - the 7-7-7 cadence is for the relationship the platform helps you start.
GGG stands for Good, Giving, and Game, coined by relationship columnist Dan Savage. It describes a partner who is good in bed, gives equal pleasure, and is game to try things within reason. GGG and BDE overlap heavily - both describe low-anxiety, self-secure, generous-with-attention partners. XLDating attracts both populations because the platform structure rewards both traits.
No - that is precisely what BDE is not. The 2018 cultural consensus that emerged on Twitter and was crystallised by writers like Yasmin Tayag in Inverse is that bragging is the automatic disqualifier. Driving the loudest sports car, humblebragging about achievements, dominating conversation - these are categorised as LDE (Little Dick Energy). BDE is the quiet version of confidence: nothing to prove, no performance required.
Yes, and the cultural consensus from 2019 onwards has been that BDE is gender-agnostic. Rihanna, Lizzo, Cate Blanchett, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Florence Pugh are frequently cited examples. BDE describes a posture toward the world - calm self-security - that has nothing to do with anatomy. XLDating's BDE Confidence Dating category is fully open to women, non-binary and trans members.
No. Endowed Men Dating is the literal anatomical category for verified men 5.5 inches and above. BDE Confidence Dating is the attitudinal category for confident singles regardless of anatomy. Some members appear in both, many appear only in one. Both belong to the wider Big One family but they answer different needs.
The platform does not ask members to self-identify as having BDE - that would be the exact wrong move, since claiming BDE is its own LDE. Instead, the matching algorithm weights signals that correlate with BDE: short bios, action-based photos, calm reply cadence, intent declared once and held to. Members who exhibit those patterns surface higher in BDE Confidence Dating search results.
Yes. All XLDating profiles use discreet billing descriptors, anonymous mode for those who want it, and a contact-block tool that hides your profile from phone contacts you upload to the privacy tool. The platform is designed for niche preferences, which means discretion is a structural commitment, not a marketing line.
